I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, wished I was somewhere else, and then woke up to reality. I woke up to Reality looming over me, glaring at me, huffing at my dreams saying they were nothing more than that. In front of it, I was nothing more than a particle of dust. All I could probably do was make Reality sniffle.
I held tightly to the small rope that hung from the air, clinging to it for support. I wished I could stand up, look Reality in the eye, and glare right back at it. I wished with so much of my heart that my legs began to stand themselves up. I began to look up but, just before I met Reality’s eyes, I heard a voice.
“Alina!”
I started to see my family looking at me.
“Well, Alina?” my mom asked, raising her eyebrows pointedly. “Are you going to answer Danial’s question? What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I swallowed, trying to find my voice. But it was as if Reality had taken it from me.
My older cousin, Danial, who was sitting next to me, looked over. “Come on, Alina. It’s just one question.”
“Well, I- Well, I’d like to be an author one day. You- you know, like, writing books and stuff.”
My parents, aunt, and uncle all glanced at each other for a second before smiling and saying, “That’s nice, dear,” as adults always did. Danial burst out laughing and only stopped after his mother kicked him from the other side of the table. The adults changed the subject and started talking about the new development at the community center for teens. Danial glanced over at me and, when he was sure no one else was listening, whispered in my ear.
“You can’t be a writer. You need talent for that.” Danial smirked and turned back to the food, as though he’d never said anything. I, on the other hand, suddenly wasn’t very hungry anymore.
One.
Two.
Three.
Ten words. Ten words, and two of them were the same. Only ten, meaningless words, yet they stayed with me for a year and a half.
I looked up to see Reality staring at me, its eyes widened as if to ask, “What are you gonna do now, huh?”
Reality held up three fingers and put them down one by one.
One. Darkness surrounded me as I plunged into the depths of a void, trying to forget everything.
Two. A small light appeared in the corner. It blinked slowly and inconsistently, but it provided some comfort in the truth that Reality showed me.
Three. The light began to blink more often. It started to get bigger, until its glow replaced most of the darkness in the void. The darkness now cowered in the corner and the light helped me to my feet. I stood in the face of Reality, stood and looked it in the eye as if I had finally realized that Reality wasn’t reality at all. It was just a figment of my imagination.
I wish that was what had happened. I wish that when Reality counted down from three, that was what the last second had felt like. The truth? I never found a light. I never found the strength to stand up. Only in my wildest dreams.
Instead, I fell deeper and deeper into the void of darkness. Eventually, the small rope that I clung to snapped. As I fell, I spotted a new rope hanging from a ledge. It was the only other thing in the void. I reached out for it, barely managing to grasp it. I climbed the rope, holding on tighter than I had last time. I climbed so high that I rose above the darkness, but it always followed me. I never stopped climbing for fear of the darkness.
Climb, breathe, see the darkness, repeat.
Story of my life.
